Dear Anxiety

Below is a piece that moved me. At their request I have posted it and they remain anonymous.

….

“Dear Anxiety,

 The time has come.

 A time I have been putting off for a while, a time I can no longer prolong.

You and I have been acquaintances for years now. You entered my life uninvited. You embedded yourself in my mind and raped me of my logical and emotional thinking process.

Not once did you consider me in all your selfishness. From the stresses of primary school homework to the pressures of life, you manifested yourself in me as if there was no barrier, as if I was born with you… as if you owned me.

For years I let you proliferate my life, my sense of worth and my heart. You made it your personal mission to battle with me in every aspect of my life from education, work, friendships and even relationships.

You weaved your toxic reactions all over my body, from the speedy heart rate, sweaty palms and illogical and intrusive thoughts.

You crippled me mentally despite my physical capability.

As the years went on, your psychological abuse towards me heightened. You began to disrupt not only my thoughts, but my time.

With each thought you introduced behavioral rituals. You forced me to switch on the light three times before bed every night. You made me organize my whole room in immaculate order.

You created a paranoid yet collected monster who on the outside appeared normal, but deep below was spiraling out of control in a frenzy of absolute order.

You became my addictive enemy.

Without you I was nervous, impatient, and scared like a child without its security blanket.

You became my very own Stockholm Syndrome. You were my captor and I was your prisoner that couldn’t bare a day without you.

As my life advanced so did you. Although at times I managed to loosen your tight grip, you were quick to notice and forcefully reinstated your power and control over me.

You made sure I knew who was boss- it was you.

… or so I thought.

You see Anxiety despite you been in my life for such a long time you have overlooked one thing, one very important thing.

Me.

One night while I was praying you emerged. You made me repeat my prayer six times because you told me that if I didn’t God would be displeased with me.

You did this for months and I believed you. After every prayer I broke down begging for God to save and help me from you.

While I was on my hands and knees in the early hours of the morning I realized God had already sent me a savior.

It was me.

Unbeknown to you, you stupidly underestimated God and me.

You see Anxiety, I was beginning to silently fight back in your chaotic and deafening war.

After years of grappling with the thought, I finally did it.

I saw a psychologist. 

The moment I walked through those doors into the white, gleaming room I felt as if I had just taken a knife to your back and stabbed you deep inside.

It was a sensation that consumed me, overwhelmed me and bought me to tears. Happy tears because finally after years of silently suffering under your rule I was screaming from the top of my lungs.

You finally looked up.

With every session, you dealt a blow. You noticed.

In all your anger and rage you intensified your behavior rituals and your intrusive thoughts- a defense mechanism you tried destabilizing me with.

It didn’t work. Not this time.

Anxiety, although you remain to linger in my life- you are no longer the superpower you once had me believing.

You are no longer my captor and I am no longer your needy prisoner. Finally I have broken free from the tyranny of your mental incarceration.

Finally, my mind, thoughts and emotions are returning to its rightful owner.

 Me.

So Anxiety, although you attempt to revive yourself on a day-to-day basis- I fight back stronger and more capable then I have ever been.

But I want to thank you.

Yes, thank you.

Thank you for breaking me down to my core and mentally beating me up while crippled and defenseless.  

Thank you for the days of stress, fear and mental instability.

Why am I thanking you? Because without your cruel treatment of my mind- it would not be what it is today…

… a free mind.

Too often people think of you as an irrational and illogical weakness. But you my friend have unknowingly produced strengths within me.

You are not a sign that I am weak nor are you an indicator that I have lost control.

You are evidence to the struggles I have overcome, the battles I lost and won and the war I will win.

I am no longer in your confinement, no longer suffocating under your regime.

I am me- a forceful power you can no longer penetrate even with your impressive artillery of irrational thoughts and behavioral urges.

Anxiety, you are not the killer of my dreams, you are the motivator.

Sincerely , a liberated Mind, Body and Spirit. “

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~ by widyanalubudy on May 17, 2013.

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